....

seeing you with your new partner makes me hurt. I wonder why it doesnt work between us? reading all the blogs that she created makes me even sick... why u can do to her, why cant u do the same to me? I dont understand and Im curious to know straight from you.

Gosh, it's a rubbish to mention everything here cuz i know you will never knew it.

Virgo Lady

As usual, reading starsign is one of my curiosity stimulator, so I google about Virgo lady and this is what i got which is to good to be true...

Check this out:

One thing you need to know about a Virgo woman — she has guts and lots of them! It doesn't mean that she is not as shy and as reserved as she seems to be. It's just that she can do anything and everything for the people she loves. By love, she mean real love, no other type of love exists for her. A Virgo female is a complete woman! She has all the charms and tricks that any other female has, but she is not weak. Infact, she has quite a determination and can do anything if she sets her mind to it.

She will be completely devoted and loyal to you in a relationship. Still, if it doesn't seems to be working, she will severe all the ties and become as cold as the North Pole. Virgo women's characteristics profile is an odd mix of emotions and practicality, romance and common sense. When they fall in love, they show such extreme passion and intensity that only few other women can. Making them fall in love is, however, an entirely different task. They will demand total perfection from you, even though they may fall short in that arena.

It's better to get used to their critical nature. A Virgo girl believes that she is extremely efficient and organized and what is more annoying is, that she is right. She is a stickler for time and it's better not to be late when you are meeting her. She will not break the new, expensive vase when she is upset, but she can be very demanding and fussy. If the fault is yours, admit that you are wrong and say it while handing her the flowers. Don't even try to argue, or she will lose her temper again.

It is better to leave her alone for sometime and she will cool again. On the other hand, a Virgo woman will find it very hard to accept that she is wrong. The fact is, most of the time she's not. When you are courting her as well as after you get married, it is advisable to mind your manners. She cannot tolerate someone using abusive language, coming late, dressing sloppily, not minding table manners, etc. It's better to brush up your vocabulary too. She will not cling to you, nor will she become totally aloof.

She is also very good with finances and extravagance is not one of her personality traits. A Virgo female cannot stand public displays of affection and it is better to be subtle in this area. Her taste is very good and her intellect quite developed. If you are trying to woo her, take her to places like theatre, art gallery, etc. Just like a typical Virgo, she is prone to worrying about things too much and she will do your part of the job too. She is very much attached to the ground and prefers to live in the real world.

You let a Virgo female do her part of making things seem just perfect and she will keep you entertained with all her feminine charms. She is very sensitive and her feelings are pretty fragile, but she will become exceedingly strong when you need her support. With kids, she will be very considerate and you will never see them running around in their underclothes. She will be gentle, but firm and will demand complete discipline from them. Even though a Virgo woman is very critical, she will not take criticism very nicely. It never works the other way round for her.

The reason for this is that she is as aware of her own imperfections as she is of yours. So, she doesn't need you to remind her of her own shortcomings every now and then. Instead of fretting over her perfectionism, you should feel blessed to have such a charming female who never makes your house look like a garbage dump. Your toast will never get burnt and your coffee will always taste just perfect. She has a witty side too and when she laughs, it seems like the ringing of little bells, doesn't it!

source: http://www.iloveindia.com/astrology/sun-signs/virgo/woman.html

insomnia...

253 in the morning and I still can't sleep. While waiting for my I pad fully charged, I switch on my Acer Laptop and start accessing my blog account. Here I am...typing whatever cross my mind at this very moment.

It's my Dad's 60th birthday party tomorrow, It's gonna be big tiring day again. I pray that daddy become more healthy, more responsive n responsible and more positive in everything he do (especially towards my mommy).

Continuing my thought from the previous blog entry... I wonder what xxx doing right now. Hmm, you might wondering who the hell is xxx, I'm sorry...i choose to keep it as my personal privacy. But the hint is there...3 words. XXX i wish you knew im mentioning you here in my blog ;( hmm...will u...???

2011 has come and I hope that this year will bring me good luck in everything that I do. May it give me a good health, happiness and success in everything I do. May mr new boss in office will realize that 'I can do it!".

It's 3 now. Soon will be 4 in the morning... I gotta go. Goodbye 2010...im gonna miss you and let the memories remains forever in our heart ;)

Welcome 2011

What do exactly I feel entering 2011????...hmm... I'm not sure actually, but I couldn't believe that all the memories in
2004 and 2005 suddenly haunted me. Everything happens in this house...everything I've seen here reminds me of xxx. Sadly...xxx no longer here.. Realizing the fact that xxx is now with someone else now makes me even dying...but life must go on and I still have to move on no matter how difficult Life I'm facing right now. With workload burden and unstable love life condition... I pray that God will lead me to a better life in 2011. Amen.

...countdown to 2011

2010 is almost over and here I am reflecting myself in the mirror. I didn't go for confession this even though I know I have plenty of sins. I thank Mr. Mark from Global Prayer Team who keep praying for me and give me hope to face another day with his inspiring advices via emails. I never met him, but i strongly believe he's a God messenger. He help me to open my mind that there's no love like God's Love for us all...and I agree with him. People who claimed to me that he really really loves me and even said that Im part of his life is now gone. No text messages..no phone calls..no emails...no facebook messages...just nothing..missing in action I guess. I didnt call or text him because all this while Im the one who did that and now he took me for granted. Maybe he think that "...she will find me of course!". It hurts me, living in this miserable "love" life. No one can tell by looking at my face cuz Im look fine and as if no problem at all. Exactly how Mellisa Manchester mention in her song..'...learn how to hide your feelings'..just like what Im doing right now. It's killing me.



2010 bring me to a new transition in life. These are among the moments I had this year:

1. Jan - April : Sick Leave (Cervical Disc Spondylosis);
2. 30 Jun : Move back to KK for good
3. 1st July : Work with health department with moody director;
4. Aug 2010: 1st gathering with my girlfriends;
5. Sept 2010: Birthday surprise for me from my girlfriends;
6. Oktober : My 1st task presentation in front of the director...success ;);
7. Nov: My bestfriend's wedding in Sepanggar...im the EMCEE;
8. December: finally received permanent appointment with the govt. & get new IPAD ;)

Here I am once again...I thank God for every single moment I had this year. I knew, HE brings me where I am now, and I believe this is what's the best for my well being.

I spent some time to read others' blogs and most of them are now preparing their new year resolutions. What's mine anyway? Still many as usual...;) but always being forgotten. Anyway, as for 2011..i try my level best to make sure that all my new year resolutions will not be forgotten. These are among my new year resolution:

1. Good health : Jogging at least 3 times a week
2. Good Work Performance : Time management, discipline, just do it!
3. Love Prayer: God help me to find a man who can love me like u do, amen.
4. Obey to God: never missed to pray and praise the lord.
5. Financially secure: saving is a must.
6. Travelling: at least once a year (if possible, I want to bring my parents)
7. Excel in DPA: Will be going for training this year! Hope for the best !

I will try to make sure that each resolutions will become reality , will be done properly. Surely be done! I Can do it ;)

Tonight Im gonna watch football match, Malaysia VS Indonesia for the Suzuki Cup. It's a final game that will be held in Jakarta. I realize that our national football players' are now improving in terms of technique and strategy... Not so bad :) Good job to the coach Rajagopal. Hope tonight will be a historical night for Malaysia ;)

have a pleasant evening ;)

xoxo

Pencil & Eraser

Pencil: I'm sorry...

Eraser: For what? You didn't do anything wrong.

Pencil: I'm sorry cos you get hurt bcos of me. Whenever I made a mistake,
you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish,
you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do
this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even
though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new
one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I
hate seeing you sad. :)

I found this conversation between the pencil and the eraser very inspirational. Friendships are like the eraser whereas their relationships are the pencil. Someone is always there for their friends, cleaning up their mistakes. Sometimes along the way... they get hurt, and become smaller (older, and eventually pass on).

Though their friend will eventually find someone new (friend), but these people are still happy with what they do for their friends, and will always hate seeing their precious ones worrying, or sad.

sunny saturday...rainy deep inside

It's 1158am, and J keep on silent. I put on my sundress and wait for her call. But seems like she's ignoring all my sms. I woke up quite early this morning. I tried to sleep again but my mind keep thinking about Mr.L. I text him, and nothing replied in ;( I got depress so i decided to call him. And again he didnt answer...i get more and more depressed ;( So i cried on my bed until i sleep again...hour later...i woke up and cry again and over and over again...

Desert Flower

It's November :) another month to go before 2011. What did I achieve this year? Im not sure...But, 2010 is a big year for me, massive changes: 1. MC for almost 4 months (6th Jan 2010 - 15 April 2010), 2. transfer back to Sabah 3.Being transfer to new Ministry 4. commit in long distance 'relationship' 5. living with my exhouse mate and eldest brother 6. facing difficult Director ...and 7. more things to come I guess.

On the 5th of November 2010, it was deepavali holiday. I decided to go back to my parents house which is located hundred more kilometer away from the main town. I wanted to see my dear lovie cats. I misses them so much. For the 1st time ever...I drive back to my hometown all alone. A little shaky in the heart...but, I keep pray to GOD that he will take care of me along the journey.

Thanks GOD, im safely home now. Reunited with my mama, papa, brot and 2 babies catie ;) I feel so comfort and I find peace here. I just stay relax and watch tv all the time to fill my free time. My mama and papa wasnt aroung...they both have another reunion for the all soul day with our relatives. I do not join them. I dont mean to be rude, but I dont know what am I going to do there...I dont drink rice wine, I don't enjoy the crowd, and I afraid I became restless and become monster ;(

I just watch the desert flower and it was awesome ;) Im very greatful that I was born as a woman ;) Im proud to woman :)

My diary...

I just bought a new book at the bookstore here in Palm Square Mall. Written by Candance Bushnell .. The Carrie Diaries. I shouldn't buy at the 1st place...I bought a book last month by Jim Collins and haven't finish reading it. In fact, I have plenty of them in my boxes which just bring back from Overseas. But, I just cant resist this particular gold book with gold handbag as a cover. It's just so attractive and surely capture my purchasing power. So here I am with my new book and I'm satisfy.

It's been 3 months Im working here in a small city. Away from the hustle and bustle of a conglomerates city. How do I exactly feel now? A bit sad, in terms of working environment and colleagues. While my so call junior act as if she the senior to us simply because she is posted at the main department, while we're at the operation agency who reporting to the department. Damn... Nothing much i can do here. So, I just follow the flow and keep in mind that 'whatever i have right now is the best for me that God has decided into my life'. Always keep this strong statement in my mind no matter how the difficult the situations im facing in life.

Im still single, but Im not seeking. I pray to Mother Mary that somehow true love will light my relationship. But until today...still nothing. Maybe this is God's punishment to me for having forbidden relationship with another married man ;( I never want this..but that's all who love me. I just want to love and to be loved.

I wonder...what will happen to my love and carrier future? Will I get both or just one of them?

God, please light up my life, Amen.

W.O.R.R.Y ;(

I read up some emails in my mailbox this evening and there was one shocking news I read regarding our 1/2009 batch. It was a bad news ever. There are about 128 contract staffs failed the 1st evaluation. I wonder am I listed in that particular list. I am extremely worried to hear that news. I don’t know what I would do if I were listed. As far as I concern, I tried at my level best to be the best at my level best among the best… If I were still listed, I guess there must be something wrong somewhere…or maybe its my destiny. I pray to GOD that somehow HE will lead my path in my complicated life. I don’t where exactly I’m heading… I just do what I have to do and always put In my head that I wont give up, I won’t be shame, I won’t be negative, and I will work extra smarter… Along the way, I put my life in GOD’s hands. HE’s all I believe. Nothing else but HIM. Whatever happened in my life, whether I’m listed to join DPA or otherwise, I know HE set the destiny for me. I know and I strongly believe that, even if I grieve for my failure…there’s joy behind it…there graces behind it. GOD is LOVE…I believe HE neither let me down nor put me behind. HIS will is the GREAT…HIS will is the best for me. Amen.

Voices of Hopes...(Suara...Ku Berharap)

Di sini aku masih sendiri
merenungi hari-hari sepi
aku tanpamu, masih tanpamu

Bila esok hari datang lagi
ku coba hadapi semua ini
meski tanpamu oooh meski tanpamu

Bila aku dapat bintang yang berpijar
mentari yang tenang bersamaku disini
ku dapat tertawa menangis merenung
di tempat ini aku bertahan

reff:

Suara dengarkanlah aku
apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku
aku di sini menunggunya
masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Suara dengarkanlah aku
apakah aku slalu dihatinya
aku di sini menunggunya
masih berharap di dalam hatinya

Kalau ku masih tetap disini
ku lewati semua yang terjadi
aku menunggumu, aku menunggu

reff2:

Suara dengarkanlah aku
apa kabarnya pujaan hatiku
aku di sini menunggunya
masih berharap di dalam hatinya

suara dengarkanlah aku
apakah aku ada dihatinya
aku di sini menunggunya
masih berharap di dalam hatinya

repeat reff

suara dengarkanlah aku

Saturday August 14, 2010

A new breed of civil servants

AT YOUR SERVICE

By DATUK SERI DR MOHD NASIR MOHD ASHRAF, Ministry of Health Secretary-General

The Administrative and Diplomatic Service (PTD) is expected to lead the way in ensuring that civil servants are not only administrators but managers, specialists, professionals and technocrats.

SINCE Independence, the Malaysian public service has assumed a multitude of roles in meeting the needs and expectations of the public and other stakeholders in the country.

Over the years, it has been credited for playing a key role in Malaysia’s development and modernisation and recognised as one of the best in the region.

In its efforts to meet the expectations of the National Vision Policy, New Economic Model (NEM) and 1Malaysia, the Malaysian public service will continue to redefine itself.

Through various guiding principles or mantras such as “No Wrong Door Policy”, “Business is not as Usual” and the creation of PEMUDAH for improving the public service delivery system by reducing bureaucratic obstacles and providing productive, creative and innovative services, it aspires to become a strong partner with different sectors of the economy in creating wealth for the nation.

The Public Service Department (PSD), being the torchbearer of the public service, has been pragmatically evolving with time and demands. The PSD has and continues to strategically reposition the public service machinery to ensure government policies are implemented effectively.

This task is shouldered by civil servants who are experts in their respective fields. They are innovators and creators who can think and perform well. The challenge is for the PSD to constantly upgrade its human capital by recruiting the best people while training and retraining them into experts.

For the NEM to be successful, the PSD has to work hand in hand with the private sector and the community. The PSD has to facilitate the working of the NEM and to ensure the civil service possesses the right attributes with the relevant knowledge and skills.

The role of the Administrative and Diplomatic Service (PTD) officers in the civil service has also evolved and changed dramatically to meet these radical new developments in the country’s landscape. Some of these new developments can be attributed to the following:

> The increasing technocratic skills and professionalism of political leaders;

> The development of more complex socio-economic and political challenges in managing the country;

> The increasing demand by the public for greater transparency and accountability;

> The increasing and expanding scope of the government’s involvement and activities, and

> The changing landscape of the administrative system with a widening range of functions of the civil service.

The role and size of the Government has expanded rapidly in the last 50 years after Independence, leading to a rapid expansion of the civil service and the PTD, in particular. Today, the Government recruits about 400 officers annually into the PTD and the total strength is approximately 8,000-strong.

The challenge now is to ensure quality and that these new recruits are up to the mark. This is important in order to strengthen the PTD which is the backbone of the civil service. Recent developments in the recruitment of PTD have indeed moved in that direction where entry into the PTD now requires applicants to go through a written test and stringent assessment process with only those who have good leadership potential selected.

With the policy on right-sizing the public sector, the Government may review the number of PTD being recruited. We may see some of the less complex functions of management within the Government, better served by more experienced but academically less qualified personnel.

Recruitment into the PTD will be conducted on a much more selective and competitive basis. The time has come to give preference to the best graduates who are first class honours or 2nd class upper honours graduates and particularly those with academic disciplines which carry greater relevance to the challenges of complex modern management in the public sector.

The PTD scheme of service should cater to a wider range of academic disciplines such as engineers, scientists, lawyers, system analysts, town planners, accountants, and financial analysts.

The time has come for the PTD to do away with generalists. The PTD scheme of service should provide for them to become specialists amongst others in personnel management, finance, business administration, economics and trade as well as land administration.

PTD training has to be developed along more specialised and professional paths with emphasis on modern management. PTD officers need to be grounded and exposed more to economics, finance, business management and information technology, in keeping with the latest techniques and complexities in modern management.

The new breed of PTD officers will be IT savvy, forward looking and forward thinking, as well as good in engaging and networking.

To further meet the challenges of a globalised environment, the new breed of PTD officers have to be broadminded to think and act in a global context; able to respond quickly as well as being multi-lingual.

The Prime Minister has mooted the idea of having a cross-fertilisation programme and giving priority to those who have shown diligence, are capable and have performed well in their respective departments or ministries to further enhance the public service, particularly the PTD.

We will also see greater cross-posting of officers to agencies outside Malaysia to further expose future leaders to international affairs and gain a wide global perspective.

However, we should not forget where PTD has done well in the past. There will be re-emphasis on the very strong traditional values of service to the country and the professional pride that have been the hallmark of the Malaysia Public Service and the PTD.

In conclusion, for PTD officers to remain relevant and current they must benchmark not only against the best in the region but the rest of the world as well. At the same time, we need to self-appraise continually and to be constantly reminded of our calling to serve the rakyat and the significance of being in the elitist branch of the civil service.

> Besides being the president of the Administrative & Diplomatic Service Association, Datuk Seri Dr Mohd Nasir Mohd Ashraf is also the secretary-general of the Health Ministry.

I Need You

I wanna put the happy
In your birthday

And I wanna be
The merry in your Christmas

I’m always giving thanks for you
On every Thanksgiving

Sure as the sun will rise
I need you

I wanna be the bunny
In your Easter

And I wanna kiss you
Every New Year’s Eve


You’ll bring my heart to life
Make everything all right

I thank God you came to me

Every hour of the day
Every day of the week
I need you

Every week of the year
Every year of my life

To kiss you, to love you
To hold you, to hug you

I need you, I need you
Oh please…

Sit Back & Relax...

...away from my apartment...away from my office. It's weekend and Im here sitting with my lazy posture comfortably on this couch. Im in my brother's crib. I miss you mom... Where r u? Why weren't you call me? I miss you 'Alejandro'...where r u? Why weren't you text me?

A week has gone. Thank God...it's over and got through it! I miss my old office, I miss my old apartment...I miss my old lame life...I thought something might change here, I thought I have better life here. But I didnt and Im depress....even depressed because my Alejandro ain't around.

The more I spend my time with my friends, the more I feel separated from them. There's a boundaries within us. Did I created it in my mind? Or does it really invisibly exists within us? I don't know.

It's been a month I didnt talk to my mom after the fight last time. I can't help myself to forget her hurting words she spoke to me. I forgive, but I can't forget. I miss her, I miss to have my mom back... I miss my daddy so much either...I miss my sister too ;(

Today is the day....the end of May

tic toc tic toc...here I am reaching the end of May. What have I done? What did I achieve? I asked myself over and over again. I ex-roomate (best buddy in University) now moved in with me in my apartment. I'm glad but at the same time...I'm worry...worry that she might find out the other side of me.

As usual, I'm very productive in the middle of the night. I switched on my internet and sit in front of my laptop to surf and do my work. Everytime I sit here, I always start my surf in FB. Nothing urgent, just browsing people's updates. I don't know why...I suddenly clicked on my ex-crush profile. Well...I don't have to disclose his name..but I address him Mr.Secret. His profile's picture was a face of little baby boy. Cute...just like the father. I then look up his album...so many photos of him and his wife. He looks good..I admit that, and the wife as well. While Im browing his photo albums, I was imagining the lady was me...haha...silly me hah...Maybe the photo might looks sweeter. I killed my imagination by logged out from the websites. I shouldn't do that, it's bad ;(

Here I'm screwed up...screw up with my current status...Still Single but NEVER searching...What's wrong with me???? I wish I know the answer....I pray that God will give me a sign.


Nite labs...xoxo

Sharing is Caring ....

I would like to share an article by Mary DeMuth that touched my heart.

Will you lay down your past today? Will you trust God with the mess, the memories, the mayhem? If you do, He will take the marred pieces of your life, reassemble them, and make you fly. So you (because of Him) can shame the wise.

For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

by Mary DeMuth

I didn't know that when those older boys pinned five-year-old me to the earth, my backside poked by brambles, that someday God would choose that frightened little girl, sexually abused for a year, to shame the wise. But He chose a shattered me.

I didn't know that as my childhood home filled with drugs and unsafe parties, God would rescue weak and scared me. But, eventually, He salved my fears.

I didn't know that as I ran from other predators, the boys' marks on me like a beacon, I'd someday limp into the arms of a Savior. I felt debased, unworthy, ugly, dirty, ruined. But He welcomed me.

I didn't know that as my earthly father slipped from this earth, my Heavenly Father stood nearby, open armed. Though my earthly father's death left me fatherless, my Heavenly Father didn't orphan me. He grafted me into His family.

I didn't know that as I considered different ways to kill myself in junior high, as I faced a third parental divorce, that Jesus' own beautiful death provided a way of new life for me. He rescued me from taking my life.

I was all the things the apostle Paul wrote about in today's key verse, and then some. Neglected, needy, pained, lost, small, frightened. And yet God took those negatives and beautified them with Himself. That's the great paradox God brings to all of us, no matter how "easy" or hard our upbringing. It's not that we're strong and sufficient and wise, it's that He is.

Perhaps you've looked back on your past and shuddered. Perhaps you've questioned God about why He'd allow atrocities in your life. But consider this: God gets the most glory in the life fully surrendered to Him, and it's hard for a self-sufficient person to submit. He does the most work in our helplessness. (See 2 Corinthians 12: 9, 10).

Our weakness and frailty are not merely places of desolation; they are dance floors—holy places where the God of the universe is allowed to freely move in our lives. Our own lack allows for and welcomes this sacred dance where God's talent outshines our capabilities, where only He receives the glory.

------------------------

Reflections:

Look back on your life. When have you felt closest to God? The most distant? What were your circumstances at each time?

In what ways are you afraid to surrender your past to God?

How can you choose today to believe the truth that God's strength is stronger where you're weak?

dilema...

Dilemma...that's the word I choose for tonight. I'm trapped in it...I need to make my choice, to work in KL or back for good to Sabah. My heart wants to stay in KL...but, my mom wants me to go back and work here :(

I wish I know which one the best for me. If i work here....i'll missed Labs :( I will not have the chance to spend time with him like before..

But it i work there...i will loose my chance to see my family...spend time with family :(

God, please guide me to make up my mind and wake up tomorrow with a right decision in head. Amen.

Worry..

Worry...that's the word I choose for tonight. It happend to me everytime I woke up in the morning (I mean yesterday). I worry about my health...worry about my carrier...worry about my 'relationship' with labs...worry about everything that cross my mind. I prayed..but seems like God didn't answer my prayer. I guess this is the price I have to pay for such a sinful to God....feel worry for every single thing...this feeling is just killing me.

Today...I woke up in the morning with a heavy heart to open my eyes. It feels like I wanted to sleep the whole day and I never wants to feel the day passes by. But then I realized, if I don't wake up, I'm just wasted my chance to enjoy this life...or God may think that I don't appreciate blessed life that He given to me. Goshh...please forgive me God...I made a mistake again and again everyday... I commited sin over and over again... I'm so sorry for myself :( God , please....I beg u please show me the right way to live this life....Amen.

With a positive mind, I got up and make up my bed. After put everything in my mom's bedroom...blanket, pillow, matress and bed. All in neat and arranged position. I then took the broom and cleaned up the living hall. I felt cold that morning, I don't dare to shower so I just brushed my teeth and washed my face. I put on my toner and tight my hair neatly and to complete my day, a mug of coffee came my way. I felt alive again :)

I've been worrying about something, but I don't know what's that somethings was. At 3pm, I finally knew...what has put me in this worry feeling..my period is coming...kwang3...Unstable hormones makes me go upside down. I feel so much relaxed after knowing what exactly bothering me.

That night, before I sleep in the night...I pray like this:

our father who art in heaven

holy be Your name

Your kingdom come, you're will be done on earth as in heaven

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us

Do not bring us to the test but deliver us from evil

Amen.

Goodnight.

xL :)

3 Months MC

Im back. Wow, it's been a while I never jot something on my blog. It's not because I don't to, but I don't have internet connection in Tower A (My eldest brother's apartment). I was staying in his place since 21st of January until 27th of Febuary..1 months I guess. Im sick and Im on medical leave.

I never expected this will happend. The accident which was took place last December 2009 bring me into big trouble. Im half paralyse for almost 2 months and broke. I dont know how to pay my rental next month as I dont have salary anymore. God help me :(

Im having cervical disc spondylosis. The symptom for this sickness is numbness and weakness. I still remember the 1st time I suffer from this sickness...I couldn't sleep, I couldn't lay flat on my bed...I didn't sleep the whole night for almost 1 week. On the 4th of January, I went to work as usual. I felt the numbess on my left arms and body and sometimes my left leg crampt....I thought it was normal. So I just ignore it and keep doing my work.

I met my boss and she gave me some paperworks to be done. When I get back to my cubical, i switched on my desktop and started to do my paperworks. Something bad happend...for the 1st time I couldn't type...whenever I moved my fingers, I can feel electric runs all over my left arms and neck...It was really really paining. Im suffering doing my work so I stopped doing it.

4th and 5th January, I went to work as usual. I had a lot of paperworks still pending. Thanks god, that 2 days I was handling a meeting for Anugerah Inovasi which was conducted my MAMPU as well as Ministry of Finance. The meeting ran smoothly, but my arms cramp slowly so I told my boss and asked for her permission to let me go to hospital for check up.

On the 6th January, a friend of mine sent me to Sime Darby Medical Centre (SDMC) which was the nearest medical centre at my place. I straight went to see the Neurologist Specialist because the numbness that I felt is basically caused by the nerve problem (I suspected that). I met the specialist, his name is Dr. Sabri...very old man but very inteligent. His tested my reflexes by knocking all my joint. I took a needles and put on my fingers to test the sensation. The result was...my left reflexes pretty less compare to my right reflexes. He came out with a hypothesis that I might have Disc Spondylosis. In order to find out his hypothesis, he need to do a test. So, he admit me and run the MRI Scan.

I was admitted in SDMC on the 6th January 2010 at 7pm. Im kinda sad because nobody will look after my babies at home..Cumprang & Grey. Thanks God, a good friend of mine willing to look after them while Im away. Before I admitted, I went to Thong Hing Workshop to get my car back. They have repaired my car which was crashed during the accident. It takes a month for my car to be fully fix and I will never forget the hustle i've been through while my car was in the workshop. It's never been an easy things to do to catch a taxi in the morning. Dealing with the taxi driver's attitude was the most horrible situation I have to face. Thank God it all passed. I pray to God that this situation will not happend to me in the future anymore. I found out that, the best way to get a taxi is by calling the taxi service centre. They will come and pick u up and they will charge u according to the meter. Very efficient and very good.

About 1145pm, a nurse came to me with a wheel chair. He said "hello ladyia, r u ready for MRI Scan?'...and I replied " yeah...Im ready, r we going now?"..he replied.." yes ladyia, come i bring u. please sit on this wheel chair". I walked slowly on the wheel chair and the nurse push it until i reached the MRI room. I changed my cloths and lay on the machine. I couldn't lay flat, but i have to lay flat to do the MRI Scan. I keep moving inside the machine, as a result the MRI guy keep advice me not to move while the picture is taken...How can I not moving, my body crampt...It took almost 50 minutes Im in the machine. Only God knows how terrible i felt that moment...my asthma attack too while Im in the machine because i was really stress when the MRI guy asked me not to move.....huhhh....

Around 12:50am 7th January 2010, the nurse sent me back to the ward. I was given tramadol, lyrica, eprisone and some vitamins to recover my dead cell after the scan. I was a bit drowsy that night. I tried to sleep but keep waking up in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep well.

The next morning, I woke up early at 7am. I took a warm shower and breakfast was served at 730am. At 8am, a basket of fruits was handed to me from someone. I ate all the fruits..it was delicious...Im loving it ;)

Around 12pm, Labs came to see me. He feed my babies at home before he came to see me. We had a chit chat and he stayed with me for a while. Thank u labs for ur company. I'll be so lonely without u.

After my MRI result came out, it was true that I had Cervical Disc Spondylosis. I was given a soft collar and 14 days Sick Leave before i was discharged. I was discharged on the 8th of January around 7pm. Labs sent me back home and helped me to carry all my stuffs. Cumprang and Grey were waiting for me and they were missing me so badly just the way I did. Ahh...i miss u guys....(ps: and I miss u too labs labs)

I couldnt sleep that night. I lay on the sofa until the next morning. The same thing happend to me until 14th of January. Then, I went to SDMC to make another check up because there seems no improvement at all. Mr. Sabri adviced me to do the physiotherapy, but since i am a government staff, he then write a referral letter to Hospital Putrajaya so that I can get free treatment.

Unforgettable incident happened while Im in hospital putrajaya. The stupid kelantan guy who took my record said to me that with my condition, it's not nessasary for me to be admitted. He's sucks so we fighted...I just feel like slapping him :(

Anyhow, when i met the orthopedic specialist in Hospital Putrajaya, she admitted me with no hesitation. I was admitted for 2 days and discharged with MC. I got back home and a friend of mine Ida came to company me. She treated me just like her sister. Thanks ida. While Ida away, Labs came and look after me.

On the 21st of Jan, I flew back to sabah. That was the first time i experienced sat on the wheel chair at the airport. I will never forget that experience.

So now Im here...still MC and still numbs with litte improvement...(ps: i can type now ;)

Gotta continue watch tv now..Yes Man at HBO. Nite nite blogger.

xL

To Do Lists...

Today,

I did something extraordianary. I found out that 1 of my friend digging my history I dont know for what but accessing someone's privacy has never been an ethical things to do...and he did that. FINE!

You know about me now...at least i dont have to exlain who exactly I am..Im sure you hate me now rite..rite..?? Yes Im no angel...Im just a human being to tend to make mistakes over and over again. But..somehow...it's not that I plan to do. I just fall into sin and I learnt my lesson.

If you think that Im not worthy...it's fine with me. I don't care how u judge me because my concern is GOD's judgement. I did sin..but i repent on my sin. You don't have any rights to humiliate me the way u did...Labs, it's killing me...just put urself in my shoes..how do u feel??

Yes it's true that people says..' women always be blame '...always on the wrong side when it comes to relationship breakup. And now u labeling me that rite...be it! I dont care...

I don't know how to face a person who purposely digging my little black book and humiliate me without even thinking the consequences to me... I dont think I can face u anymore..

Somethings are better left unsaid and one of them is ' goodbye '...

xL

The art of letting go...

It's January the thirteen. I've been staying here at home all alone since last friday evening. As usual, my housemate never came home as she's staying with her boyfriend somewhere in Puchong. It's fine with me anyway...

I've been suffering with my Cervical Disc Herniation and just few minutes ago another news hit me and it double my pain. My housemate finally admit to me that she wants to move out from this house...I've been expected this for so long. I'm speechless and didn't reply her email straight away? I don't know what to say to her....

Im not scared. But this is life that I must facing...Somehow, I have to accept the fact that people may come and go. Some friends come for a reason...some friends come for a seaon and 1 in a million friends come for a life time. I guess she's number 2...so be it, and still...it's fine with me anyway...

I wish to tell her this...
1. I dont have money to pay her deposite..
2. I cannot afford to pay the house rent alone...she knows it...
3. Im not gonna let stranger become my housemate...
4. Im not gonna move to KL as I dont think it's a good idea...
5. There are many ways to reduce expenses without shifting to KL..like looking for a roomate..maybe her bf is the best choice...
6. Why must move out?

My fingers numbs...my head numbs..and what's next??

ps: Lord, i pray that you will guide me gone through all this difficult moments. Amen.

Nitez.