Im not well.. ;(

It's Tuesday and It's meeting day. But, here I am in my room: sleeping, smsing, facebooking, reading, and finally blogging. It seems like Im living in my own cyberspace. I don't have to go anywhere to see what's happening outside. Internet connection is good enough and plus comfy bedroom ;)

Well, today Im not feeling well. It's been 2 weeks actually ... but I just took paracetamol to make it better. But this fever come and go. Why? I dont know. So I see the Dr. Jullian. Right down there at the mall, about 10 minutes walk distance from my brother's condominium. I went out at 9am and reached there sharp at 910am. Unfortunately, Dr. Julian wasnt around yet. The duty nurse told me that he only be there at 10am. So...I just sat and wait. I didnt go anywhere because Im extremely dizzy.

After about 40 minutes waiting, he finally came in and looked at me with a smile on his face. Hmm..I guess he must be saying 'oh she again'... simply because i see him almost every month for a same sickness package in my body.

I got into his consultation room and told him about my condition. In a mean time, he explained to me their raya promotion which is Health Screening. Hmm...sounds good. In fact I am thinking about making my self medical check up. Even though i work in Hospital, but never want to do it there...im afraid that my sickness will be revealed to people at my work place. Never will i do medical check up there.

He explained and explained and I decided to take the health screening package three. It consist of amnemia status, liver, hepetitis a & c, tyriod, std, ovary cancer, cholestrol, sugar, and the list goes on which i dont remember all.

He took my blood and I didnt feel any hurt at all. He's good! The package comes with 1 free gift, a vitamin.. I took vitamin c for free ;) Then, I took my urine at the toilet for them to check. After that, Im going back home. It's all cost 188MYR..I have no cash...so I used my Debit Card. I guess my balance now is only left 600MYR...gosh how to survive like this ;( I'll be going to Bali and i dont have enough pocket money...damn ;(

After finished, I went to McDonald for my breakfast. I took Chincken McSausage set with coffee. It was too salty, but i still can finished it...sayang bah. Before I go back home, I went to the optical shop, i just bout korea cartoon lense..gray color. Hahah...80MYR terbang again. Going to bankrup la nih.. :(

So, i go back home and took my medicine and sleep. I dont sleep well. At 2pm i woke up..crawling on my bed until 3pm. My brother came from work. He gave me McD Chicken Burger...kwang3...im going to be fat ;( palis2... I should be thankful tho..

While im typing my blog, i still feel the heaviness in my head. The song for today: Here Without You by 3 doors down..

Tonight, im going to meet my love at JP. We are we both heading..? Wherever God leads us to...I just follow. Amen

xoxo

Is he Iranian?

26th June 2011 - 1.00 am - BED, KK ... This is where the story of us begin. After the MRK Contest finished, me and my siblings decided to go to the club. I was really tired, and at first i refused to go. But my eldest sister really wanted to be there to dance. Since she's going back oversea, i put away my intention to just sleep that night and bring myself to BED Club.

The club was too crowd, smoky and extremly play loud music. I started to feel not comfortable with the situation. But, we just walked in until the end of the stage. We had our drinks and stand at the corner of the centre stage and enjoying the loud music. I wanted to dance, but it's difficult to dance with a fish of people passes by. So after dance sikit2, i just sit at the tall chair, sip my drink and start observing people.

The club was surrounded by many boys and girls. Most of them looks like already get drunk. Some girls even stand on the bar and start to dance like a wild species...regardless of their sizes... They looked funny and yet entertaining ... heheh.. Well, it's not like u can see those scene everyday in your life. It only happend in the club, especially when people get drunk and lost his/her self control.

While i was observing the club's surrounding... I saw a curly iranian look like guy dancing alone like syok sendiri nih. From a far...he look cool. While i was looking at that iranian look guy, he looked at me back..i fastly turned my head and look something else. I dont want him to know i was staring at him just.

Then after a while, i looked at him again...and this time he looked at me eye to eye...OMG..my eye communicated to this guy! Matilah.... To my surprise, he smiled to me and give signal to me asking me to come to him by waving his hands with a 'come here' message. As always, I was too shy to respond his body language message and just smile back to him and keep sitting on the long chair without any movement. I turned my view to the other side of the bar... Nothing much interesting... The iranian looked like was the only thing that attract my attention that night.

I was really tired, i didnt finish my drinks. So i just leave it and told my sibling that I wanna go back and sleep. They all agreed and we leave. While DB and TD walked out the club, I was the last person to walk behind...suddenly someone grabbed my right hand and when i turned back the iranian look like guy said '..Can I know you?" while handing his cellphone asking me to give my number. My sister asked me to just give it...so without thinking much...I just gave it.

This is where the story begin. We started to communicate from time to time until today.

It's been a month i knew him and i fallen for him...i dont know what the future but i pray to god that this relationship will last forever. Amen.

Weekend and Tears

I guess this weekend was the worse weekend I ever had for this month. Many shocking things happend. Since fiz aint around, i decided to spend my weekend with ED. He bought me new bookshelf. That was the highlight of the cheerful moment. Im really glad. Friday night I spent time all alone at my place, met AH for a while and stayed home alone online and watched tv.

The next morning, I do my laundry and went down to the gym for some workout. I ran 3km by the treadmill. I feel good after the workout session. I went up and hang all my damp cloth from the washing machine. Another trip of handwash cloths put me into trouble...what else...back pain again.

At 830am, ED replied my sms. We met at Tong Hing for breakfast. I took tuna and egg mayo wholemeal sandwich and 1 big mug of cafe latte. It was awesome breakfast. But ED didnt take anything. He told me that he had his breakfast at Milenium. Ok then. So i eat on my own. He just stared at me.

Done with the breakfast, he bring me around tong hing and bought for me 2 bottles of olive oil and wholemeal bread. He even bought for me the germany's choclate which i asked him to get one for me before he came down to kk. He spent about ninety bucks for me for take away dry food.

After that, we went to jalan lintas. He fixed his broken car exhaust. It took about 40 minutes. We sat inside the workshop and I felt extremely hot...just like hell...After 40 minutes, we went to putatan to do some window shopping. Instead of doing so, we shopped for a bookshelf. ED bought 1 for me. Im really happy at first until today... The furniture didnt send the bookshelf according to the 1st promise. They really makes me dissapointed. Extremely dissapointed.

Done with that, we went to Casa. Rest for a while and had some quarrel. I felt soo sad everytime we had a quarrel. I never want it, but things happend all the time for God knows what's reason behind ;(

Then, that night...we had our dinner at chub grilled. I had pork belly salads. It was awesome...added with mushroom soup made me even more and more satisfy. I forgot about the tears i had that evening.

After done with the dinner, ED bring me to tanjung aru beach resort's lounge for some relaxing. We listened to the 3 piece live band. The girls sang beautiful numbers for the audience. I just love it because the music is just same with my own personality ;)

I took margarita, choclate martini as week as cocktail with no name (i forget actually). I knocked off after the cocktails..really dont used with alcohol. ED bring me to Casa. I slept there that night because i cant drive...i was drunk.

The next morning, i had a fickled heart...a bitterness, and a wandering eyes and heaviness in my head...just because i finally knew that ED had 2nd baby. How come he never tell me anything about it. When i claimed myself to have his baby in my womb...he rejected me like i mean nothing to him...like i had no values at all. Thank u soo much for making me felt soo bad about myself even though im already at my worse...It's suicide in mind right now...;(

goodnight weekend. please go away bad things from my life ahead. Amen.

My Hiding Heart

So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
who blew me away
who blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
you'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And though I wish that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart
away

A Simple Notes From A Friend That Put Tears On My Eyes Early In The Morning

4th April 2011...I'll never forget this date. Moment of unforgiveable action and decision. I wish I knew that this small could affect my life so much. I woke up this morning and straigt login to my FB just to see my friends around. I usally dont really read people's notes...but i have somekind of desire of clicking CM's notes about..Before I Was A Mom...It's meant for her mom and for herself I guess. But it touches me so deep...and it makes me cry this morning..It's not that I wanna cry..but it's jst happend. I read it, and my tears comes out..and there you go I started to cry like a baby looking for mommy...

here's the notes that put me in tears this morning.. It reminds me of my baby..

Before I was a Mom -

I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed.

Before I was a Mom -

I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom –

I had never been puked on ! Pooped on ! Spit on! Chewed on! or Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and My thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom -

I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests...or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom -

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life

so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom -

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known The warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.


yes..it still makes me cry ;'(
Im gonna start my day with Hail Mary prayer today to ease this pain I have inside ;(

Fever and down....

I got fever today. I suppose to go back to kk but my condition not allowing me so..I'm in pain now..keep waiting for labs to call me up,to SMS me, to say hello to me...but he never show up and i senses he has changed a lot now... Why labs ?

Sometimes i'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down
What i've got they used to call the blues
Nothing is really wrong
Feeling like i don't belong
Walking around some kind of lonely clown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down
Funny but it seems i always wind up here with you
It's nice to know somebody loves me
Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
To run and find the one who loves me

what i feel is come and gone before
No need to talk it out
We know what it's all about
Hanging around, nothing to do but frown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down

Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do
Run and find the one who loves me

Hangin around, nothing do to but frown
Rainy days and mondays always get me down

Children Of Hope

His my cousin's son. Pity him because he scared most of people he met including me. I hope he'll change somehow..to be a good boy, good son and he's my Children of Hope ;)